Search Your Feelings
by Bhetelgeus
Summary: One-shot: Obi-Wan contemplates on what to do with Anakin's increasingly dark behaviors. The former padawan insists that his master wouldn't understand him, but Obi-Wan knows all too well what it's like the break the rules... and the consequences one pays for it.
The ride was excruciatingly silent. Obi-Wan had spent most of it in the control room, going over the plans their troops had lifted from their most recent mission; it had been an isolated system several parsecs away from Coruscant that took them into the darkest parts of the outer rim, far from the civilized influence of the Republic. For this reason, the outer rim always served as an ideal hiding place for all manner of unconsciable people, Separatist and criminal alike. This alone made the mission more dangerous than most, as two Jedi could find themselves facing more formidable foes than they might've anticipated. And with the Republic's foremost operating planets so far away, calling for help wasn't an option.

But these two Jedi in particular were more than capable of the task. Despite the various dangers, the mission itself was rather simple: go to the Wri System and intercept a courier for the Separatists. The said courier carried a variety of battle droid formation plans that could prove useful to the Republic. Plus, it would be key evidence further linking the Trade Federation to the Separatists and solidifying their involvement before the Senate. The Vice Roy would most likely come up with some elaborate excuse as to how his courier was ferrying Separatist plans, but at least it would cast more doubt upon him and the Senate would no longer be blinded by the lies the Trade Federation was feeding them. Potentially. And in every way, Obi-Wan and his former Padawan had completed their mission successfully.

Of course, it hadn't proved easy. While engaging the courier, he'd revealed himself to be a bounty hunter in the employ of the Separatists. He was not only a formidable foe, but used several of the helpless villagers around him as living shields from the Jedi's lightsabers. Many civilians were injured in the skirmish.

Obi-Wan let out a sigh and backed away from the command table. "Sir?" Commander Cody, one of his most trusted clone soldiers said with a concerned look. "We've only covered half of the plans…"

"I'm as eager as you to scan every bit of data, I can assure you, but…" He sighed and glanced out of the bridge doors and down the long corridor. There was no one there, but the only other Jedi on the ship was somewhere in that direction.

"He hasn't come out of his quarters since we returned," Cody said quietly. "Was it the villagers getting caught up in the crossfire…?"

"Something like that," the general replied. "I'll return later."

"Right, of course, sir."

Obi-Wan turned and disappeared down the halls.

True, the people that were injured during their fight with the bounty hunter had weighed heavily on both his and his former Padawan's minds. However, it wasn't the _real_ cause of their discontent. It was…

 _"ANAKIN!" Obi-Wan shouted, but it was no use. The Jedi Knight could hear nothing as his Force hold on the bounty hunter's throat tightened. "Anakin, we need to question him!"_

 _"He's too dangerous, Master," the other man replied, lifting the bounty hunter higher. "Using these people as fodder for the Separatists' plot…" His grip tightened even more. The bounty hunter's flailing weakened as his life slowly ebbed away._

 _Obi-Wan stared in disbelief at the other man. More than anything, he could feel the desire to kill the agent radiating from Anakin. So strong was the feeling that Obi-Wan might not have recognized Anakin's Force signature had he not been standing right there, observing it for himself. "Anakin, if you don't release him-"_

 _"Look around you, Obi-Wan! He needs to be punished for what he's done! These people… just slaves… not a chance in the galaxy to defend themselves…"_

 _"And the Council will be the ones to decide on his punishment, NOT you!"_

 _Anakin's eyes darkened, blocking out Obi-Wan's words. If the Jedi Knight didn't act quickly, then Anakin just might… It wouldn't be the first time he slew the enemy in a fit of passionate rage. It was Anakin's biggest obstacle, his passion, raw emotion… Obi-Wan knew that, despite saying it constantly, there was no way that using the Jedi Council as a threat over Anakin's head would force the younger man's hand to release another prisoner… He couldn't cover for Anakin this time. Not now. They'd been fighting for so long, drenched their clothes in so much blood, taken the lives of so many men… That it was moments like this that counted the most. So, he had to act quickly._

 _With a swift motion, Obi-Wan tackled his former apprentice and sent the butt of his lightsaber to Anakin's temple. With the other man's attention so focused on the bounty hunter, he was easily taken out. Obi-Wan worked quickly in securing the target and his plans, then radioed in for help. Under the circumstances, it looked as though Anakin had been knocked unconscious during the encounter. It was better that way._

At least, it was to Obi-Wan. To Anakin, not so much.

The other Jedi, upon regaining consciousness, immediately sequestered himself away in his quarters, avoiding Obi-Wan at all costs. He understood why his former Padawan was upset with him, but there hadn't been any other option. So, instead of letting it fester like Anakin was want to do, Obi-Wan figured that ripping the bandage off quickly would be best.

So, within a few moments, Obi-Wan found himself at Anakin's door, knocking gently. "Anakin?" he called out. Nothing. Just the endless waves of frustration. And anger. _I know you're in there,_ Obi-Wan thought quietly. _Let's talk this out. As equals._

His thoughts must have reached the other Jedi, for there was a waver in the other man's anger. The general waited patiently… then, without warning, the door slid open.

Obi-Wan didn't wait for an invitation to step in and confront his former Padawan. He'd prepared his words very carefully on the way down and knew just what to say, what angry words Anakin would probably say, and how he would counter them. Just like always. However, one look at the other man and suddenly, all of his words left him in a vacuum of figurative space.

Anakin had stripped his blood stained leather armor off and discarded it haphazardly on the floor. His boots, bearing similar stains, were unlaced, but had not yet been removed. It appeared as though the Jedi Knight had lost all strength and resolve to wash the blood away, instead opting to slump onto a small bench, hunched forward, shoulders slack… The door swished shut behind Obi-Wan, trapping him in the room with his obviously distraught friend. Slowly, Anakin lifted his head and glanced up at his fellow Jedi. "Master…" he mumbled.

"Anakin," Obi-Wan whispered. The boy's face was haggard, pale, the stress of his conflicts, internal and external having taken a visible toll. He'd known it was difficult on the young Jedi… constantly at war with himself. Constantly at war outside himself… It was enough to make any mere man break. But the young Jedi was no mere man and the constant fighting, inside and out…

"Did you need something, Obi-Wan?"

Anakin's low, tired voice brought the general back to reality. "I thought we might talk about what happened."

As expected, Anakin let out a frustrated sigh. "There's nothing to talk about," he replied.

"Anakin, you lost control on the battlefield _again_. And not only that, but you disobeyed a direct order from a superior officer," the Jedi Master said sharply. Already, his former Padawan had managed to irritate him with his callous disregard to protocol, order, and the Jedi way. And with nothing more than a roll of his eyes and five words. So much for keeping a level head.

"I did what I thought was necessary to save the villagers." Cold, hard, with underlying tones that betrayed the anger that was always there, bubbling beneath Anakin's surface. Obi-Wan let out a sigh of his own as the other Jedi's emotions washed over the both of them. Anakin was having difficulty keeping them restrained… and it was getting worse. It was the war. The fighting. The bloodshed… Anakin's life had been filled with violence and training since the moment they met.

"That doesn't excuse you, Anakin. You have to learn to control yourself, _especially_ when the lives of others are at stake," the Jedi Master tried to reason. "If the Council were to learn of this-"

"The Council… the Council…" Anakin growled, kicking his shoes off and standing so as to pace. The movement sent a shiver down Obi-Wan's spine as it reminded him of someone else, cloaked in black and red, pacing like an animal as he waited for the energy shields to be lowered…

"Anakin-"

"I'm tired of the Council!" the Jedi Knight shouted. His outburst, though not out of character, still startled Obi-Wan. "All you do is preach about the Council and their orders… Stand by, keep calm, stay in control… This entire war is out of control! And I'm tired of being told by you and the Council to try and keep mine!" His yelling sent out a small shockwave of Force energy, knocking over a few of the Jedi Knight's belonging from the table and sending the folds of their clothing aflutter.

Both were silent a moment.

"I'm sorry, Master," Anakin said coldly. Slowly, the brittle wall that held back his anger was back up, closing out his former master. "I don't expect you to understand."

A barrage of images assaulted Obi-Wan's mind so quickly and unexpectedly that he physically reacted, flinching away from the other Jedi before slamming his mental barriers up. Anakin blinked in surprise and stared at his master, but Obi-Wan's eyes were shut against the memories… The emotions, the closeness, the separation, the pain… _No_ , the Jedi Master said to himself again and again. _No… he needn't know… he mustn't know…_

"…Master?" the younger Jedi ventured.

Obi-Wan shook his head. "Anakin," he said, his voice weary with war and haunting memories, "I understand more than you know." A sigh that carried more pain than the Jedi Knight had ever felt from his master before slipped past Obi-Wan's lips. "I only repeat these things to you because… because I _do_ understand you… And I understand how attachment, if not let go, can be a very, very damaging thing. I just… don't want you to make that same mistake, my old friend."

By the look on Anakin's face, he believed his former master. And, thusly, Obi-Wan left the conflicted Jedi in peace. His own feelings, however, were facing more turmoil than he'd faced in years… something he'd buried away for a long, long time…

He couldn't move down the halls fast enough. Each step towards his quarters broke another part of the weak barrier holding back those memories, those awful, wonderful memories… he just had to get to the safety and solitude of his room… then he could fall apart, out of view of his men, his former Padawan… And that's exactly what he did. His door hadn't even shut completely before his knees hit the floor and pain washed over him, unleashing the worst and darkest parts of his heart, bathing him in bittersweet misery, reigniting a flame of desire and longing that would never again be fulfilled…

Truly, he understood Anakin's frustrations with the Council.

" _So," Qui-Gon said without turning to face his Padawan. Obi-Wan stood at the threshold of his Master's quarters, shoulders square and his jaw set. He was prepared… he knew what he had to do, what he had to say… However, when his Master turned and gave him that kind smile and knowing look, he couldn't stop his resolve from melting away almost entirely. "You've made up your mind, then?"_

" _What?" the Padawan asked._

 _Qui-Gon let out a chuckle. "You've decided on whether or not to stay… or request a new Master."_

 _Obi-Wan blinked in disbelief at the older man. How… how had he… "You… knew?"_

" _Of course," Qui-Gon replied. "You haven't slept in almost a month because of it." The Jedi Master went back to cleaning the clay from his boots. He seemed so… nonchalant. So without care… The Padawan felt anger and embarrassment blossom inside his chest. His Master had known… he had known all along about how their closeness had begun to affect Obi-Wan, how the way his Master's hand setting upon his shoulders would send streaks of warmth through his body, how being close enough to catch the scent of his Master's hair would nearly make him sway with intoxication… How their relationship had taken a turn for the worse and the more time they spent together, fighting, fighting, and more fighting… tucked away in a foxhole for the night, wrapped tightly in each other's robes to keep warm, listening to the sound of Qui-Gon's steady, even breathing, even in times of peril…_

 _Suddenly, Obi-Wan realized that he'd been standing here in total silence, just staring at his Master, wide eyed… and in pain. "You knew… and said nothing…"_

 _Qui-Gon set his boots aside and took a seat on the bench so as to look directly at his Padawan. "It wasn't my place to say anything, Obi-Wan. This was something you needed to sort through on your own."_

 _The Padawan's fists clenched painfully at his sides and he found himself unable to look at his Master. "If this is some sort of trial…" he whispered, "…it's a very cruel one."_

 _A sad, gentle sigh escaped Qui-Gon's lips. "This is no trial, my friend. This is something you deal with using your feelings, not your rational mind… This is not a Jedi test, but… a human test. And your constantly logical approach to it is why you're feeling so conflicted."_

" _But, why!?" Obi-Wan exclaimed. "You… you've let me go on feeling like this… It's not the Jedi Way! If the Council knew-"_

 _Suddenly, his Master's arms were around him, holding him, rubbing soothing circles across his back. Obi-Wan realized that he'd been shaking. Nearly… nearly in tears… "If we always blindly followed the Council, we'd lose our compassion. We'd lose our understanding. We'd no longer be human, but slaves. I may be your Master, my young Padawan… But you are no slave." He pushed the younger man away slightly, but never released his shoulders. "Free will, Obi-Wan… it's the true strength of the Force… And right now, you've been given a powerful opportunity to exercise that freedom."_

 _Not a slave…_

 _It wasn't true…_

 _Obi-Wan, despite doing everything in his power to push his feelings away… had undoubted become a slave to them._

 _Even now, despite the anger and fear he felt, they pushed him closer to his Master, up towards his face, their lips closing in on one another, limbs entangled, robes aside…_

… _the glare of an energy shield…_

… _those yellow eyes…_

…a flash _of red…_

"No…" General Kenobi whispered. He couldn't go there… not when so many depended upon him. He couldn't risk opening the box that he'd locked all of his pain into… Not when there was a war to be won. Not when the one person he considered to be his brother needed his strength and stability now more than ever… And he'd continue to do as he always had, reminding Anakin of what to do and what not to do… how dangerous choosing to follow through with your emotions could be…

After all, Obi-Wan had allowed himself a choice… and he'd made the wrong one.

* * *

 _UPDATE: Edited for typos and fluidity. Thank you for your patience and I hope you enjoyed!_


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